


All Dressed Up (& Somewhere To Go)

by callmedok



Series: Never Noticed The Map Was Off (But I Still Found My Way) [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Broken Families, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, Families of Choice, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Male Friendship, Multi, Off-screen Relationship(s), Platonic Relationships, Romantic Gestures, Slow Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-11-28 13:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11418927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmedok/pseuds/callmedok
Summary: It takes a long time for Bim Trimmer to come into his own. There's some speed bumps along the way, like daydreaming of suits when people expect skirts, how he needs to tell people his name is actually Bim, and yeah he's kind of a guy not a gal so could he get that cleared up sooner rather than later before it becomes a bigger problem than it already is?(aka, the story in which Bim is a bi trans guy who just wants to live his life, get the job of his dreams, and find some love along the way. Maybe even find a family.)





	1. If I Hadn't Made Me (I Would've Been Made Somehow)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or, the author gets emotional over mens dresswear as a questioning individual themself and proceeds to share their brain with a character from a skit to express it. Full disclosure, a lot of the stuff Bim is doing pre-transition is stuff I'm doing/have done myself.Bim is older than me though, so I adjusted the things I did accordingly to fit more with what he'd have access to. Hell, I even made a timeline to keep track of things.  
> Note: Transphobia comes into play when Bim comes out to his family, and suicidal idealation is brought up as something that occured in the past later on. There is no acting upon the second one.
> 
> Fic title is a riff on a line from True Trans Soul Rebel by Against Me!, because I'm nothing if not transparent in the kind of music I listen to. Chapter title is from Make Yourself by Incubus.

Bim's big dream has always been a suit. Tailor-made in a tasteful black or charcoal, with a nice crisp white dress shirt and a dark tie to accompany it.

Even when he was still in skirts and too long hair that didn't feel quite right, he'd slow down a little in the mall as his family passed a classy store and he'd stare at the mannequins in the window.  
Back then, he'd lied.

He'd told himself he wanted someone who would wear a suit like that, the proper gentleman who could dance smoothly and talk beautifully.

(It was longer until he realized he wanted to be that gentleman.)

*

His family was always on the crafty side. Great gram could sew, as could his gram and ma. Gram knew a little crochet, but it was from his ma he picked up a bit of knitting, a majority of crochet, and how to hand-stitch.

Which is why craft stores (mainly fabric ones) felt like some kind of second home, wandering through rows upon rows of random things as he waits for his ma and gram to get their fabric cut. He's 10, old enough to be allowed out of eye sight for up to ten minutes and able to roam the fabric aisles without supervision. He's always been well-behaved, so they'll give him this. He's reading the signs on the shelves, anything to tide over boredom as he runs his fingers across the upright bolts of fabric.

_Láme, performance, stretch, specialty, nylon, fleece, suiting-_

Suiting?

His fingers pause on what he'll later learn is called tweed, and something wells up in his chest.

There's a boy in middle school, who he's kinda-sorta friends with, in the sense that one of Bim's friends dared Bim to walk up to him to include him in some wacked out bet that never happened and somehow the guy grew fond of the underclassmen enough to have lunch every day at the same bench with them. The boy's in choir, like Bim is in orchestra, and Bim's seen him wear suits in a couple of photos he’s shared. Concert black, stark white shirt, no tie.

When Bim sees the sign for suiting fabric, his gut reaction is to want to tell the guy that he dreams of suits and ties and dress shoes. There was something about Cam recently, the way their conversations seemed to be getting deeper and deeper about anything and everything, and they even were talking to each other outside of school now.  
Bim wants to tell him about how he dreams of suits.

(Bim does when they meet up for a movie day, the third time it's ever happened, and Cam gets it while at the same time he doesn't. He sees Bim, long limbed and awkward and short hair he's waited months to get, glasses too square he fought to have, and says "What about those ones that they already have for girls?"

Bim swears there's a sound as his heart breaks, ever so slightly, but laughs it off with self-deprecating humor as he replies "You think I have that kinda money? JC Penney is an arm and a leg, even with my aunt working there." Then they settle in to watch some horror movie Cam recommends, and American Werewolf in London doesn't cure all of Bim's heartbreak but it does give him something gruesome to focus on.

He likes gruesome, and the movie finds a warm place in his heart.)

*

In high school, he trades orchestra for theater and never looks back.

It gives him a place to be bigger than himself, something more, and he learns how to make his voice echo and boom. Showmanship has always made his head turn, and he's been chasing that feeling of being in the spotlight since he first acted in a school play of the Invisible Man in 4th grade.

Acting makes him happier than orchestra ever did, and sophomore year he tentatively starts buying clothing on the down low at the closest thrift store. A white dress shirt, loose in the shoulders. A dark pair of jeans, able to pass as dress pants at first glance. He sneaks some of his dad's plainer ties into his closet, three to be exact.

He has two prides in this small, cobbled-together wardrobe.

A set of black dress shoes that slightly pinch in the heels, and a waistcoat. The waistcoat is patterned metallic teal, a prom reject, and he adores it. It's baggy sure, just like most of his clothing anyways, but looking in the mirror he feels like Bertie Wooster or Agent Cooper.

He feels like a handsome suave motherfucker, even if he feels like he has to skulk around and only wear these clothes when no one else can see.

(Whenever he can steal time in the school's computer lab, he tries to find an explanation for what's going on with him. Why he thinks of suits, why something in him withers when he's referred to as the ideal daughter, granddaughter, niece, girl, why he wants to be all angles rather than curves. He gets more questions than answers in the end, as its 2002 and it'll be a while.)

*

Junior year, he debuts the outfit when he has to fill in for a male part in Hamlet.

He's the best well-dressed Rosencrantz the stage has ever seen, and his voice is deep and elegant (even if only in his own ears). He bows rather than curtsying when the show wraps up, and he feels amazing.

His great grandmother rags on him afterwards, subtle jabs and back-handed compliments about how well he performed even in an ill- fitting role, how the clothing complimented the character's personality of absent-mindedness and confusion, and won't he change into something else to give it back to the costume department before they go out to dinner?

But he's riding on the high of what he feels is his best role to date, the most satisfying he's done so far in his three year career, so he proudly declares with a grin "No, no I won't be changing. These are mine, after all."

Absolute silence from his ma, gram, and great grandmother meet him after this statement, and he cheerfully tacks on "I'll be just a moment, I need to check in with my teacher before I leave." He practically runs back up the stairs that lead to the stage, and disappears behind the curtain.

He ducks into the bathroom backstage, locks the door, and as he sinks to the floor with his back against the wall, he makes a strangled noise that's some odd mixture of laughter and sobs.

He has, without a doubt, just fucked himself.

It's hysterical it took him this long to fuck it all up, and devastating that this night of all nights is when it happened. His glasses are pushed up over his forehead as he rubs at his right eye with one hand while the other is over his mouth trying to muffle the downright mournful sounds escaping, and he'd give anything to sink into the floor right now.

Someone bangs on the door and he yells "Just a second!” hating how his voice wavers and cracks. Sniffling and wiping his nose on the back of his hand, he stands up on unsteady feet and lurches over to the sink to wash his face, look some semblance of who he was before everything came tumbling down around his ears.

(He's quiet and reserved the rest of the night, eating as much as possible so he has less reason to speak, and that's just how things crumble, cookie- wise.)

*

2003 is his junior year, the Rosencrantz performance, and the year he reads comics.

He's been reading Spider-Man on and off, but this time he's actively seeking things out. When he sees the name Neil Gaiman on a volume in the DC section of his local store, he'll give it a shot. If the Sandman series disappoints, he can always sell it back for credit.

He rips through the first three collected volumes under a month, it scratches the itch that American Werewolf left behind and he's in love. When he hits the fifth volume, 'A Game Of You', he has to stop though.

And think.

And mull over some thoughts.

When Wanda showed up, he hadn't questioned she was a woman with bright red hair and a sharp tongue. Then she says she wanted to be Weirdo Alvin as a kid, and his heart seemed to stop.

As she talked about her past, it made something in him scream "It's me! That's me right there, I want to be Vincent Price over Dorothy from Oz!" His heart breaks as Thessaly tells Wanda that she doesn't count as a woman in the eyes of even magic, and he honest to goodness starts crying when it's revealed she died.

It's unfair, everything she wanted to be wiped away in death as little to no one goes to her funeral, only one person calls her Wanda. She was buried as Alvin, and even if someone wrote Wanda on the gravestone with her favorite lipstick, it still washes away in the end. He's sad and he's angry, Wanda deserved more, and the sting doesn't lessen as the main character manages to have one last goodbye with Wanda and she's...

She's become perfect in death, and it leaves Bim feeling hollow and a little sick. It makes him stare at his closet, the clothes he wears only when his parents won't see, and think on how he's been doubling up on sports bras to keep his chest out of the way for running around stage.

(Even when it's not a practice day.)

It makes him wonder, _Will the day I'm finally truly happy be the day I'm not here?_ , and it’s like a punch to chest.

Something similar happens when he starts reading The Invisibles, mostly because he hears the name Grant Morrison in the same breath as Neil Gaiman and it was pre- Wanda Bim that held him as a high standard. The Vertigo brand is also a draw for Bim, because it's where all the strange and adult stories end up shuffled to by DC.

(He wants so desperately to be older, have a life of his own, and this scratches an itch of his various, run of the mill, average fantasies.)

Lord Fanny is out, loud, and gives no fucks. She's like Wanda, in the sense of something inside Bim wants him to go show some of the tamer pages to his ma, point at them and say "That's me, that's me!"

(Maybe not fully, but it's more than he had in fifth grade when he started dreaming of suits.)

Fanny has magic, god-touched and divine in both the religious vibe and in reference to appearance, and Bim loves her. Even when Fanny dresses down, takes off the wig to be in disguise and bitches about needing to find replacement boobs, she's still gloriously herself.

(Apocalipstick, the 2nd volume of The Invisibles, will always undoubtedly be on his list of favorite comics. It's dedicated to her story, alongside the usual madness of Morrison's main story line, and Fanny's gone through hell but she's happy and _alive_ and-)

2003 is his junior year, the year of the first performance that leaves him feeling on top of the world, and his comic year. The comics are dated in terminology and events, late 80s to late 90s, written by two white European guys, but...

It's more than he had before, and he wouldn't trade those awkward first steps for anything else.

(He sometimes dreams about the Invisibles stealing him away into a life of suits and energy and art, Fanny tilting up his chin with a strong hand with blue nail polish and saying "You're enough as you are, darling. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit."

He reads Morrison's Doom Patrol, and as friendships are cracking under strain and Bim feels more and more isolated from anyone he could tell these things to...

God, what he'd give to be on Danny the Street, live there even. Signs telling him good morning, messages of support from Danny on napkins, 'Bona to vada your eek, darling' and it'll never be real but he's allowed to have _some_ whimsical fantasies.)

*

Senior year, he's a bit more daring.

Armed with what meager leads he has, he looks things up in his spare time. He always wipes the history, be it at home or school, but he takes notes in the back of his notebook for math. He looks for definitions and explanations on terms comics gave him, then down a minor rabbit hole of psychology, and again it's few and far between until he finally finds the best option that sits right with him.

Transgender.

And it's almost scary to say out loud for the first time, looking around over his shoulder to see who might've heard him say it under his breath in practically reverence.

It's not like every single part of the definition fits, but there's enough for Bim to say "This is me," in a small, wistful tone as he resists the urge to caress the school computer.

It's enough to search more, and find out how Beverly Trimmer can become who they dream of being.

*

He's going through a baby name book for shits and giggles as he waits for his ma to come back from the romance section of a bookstore, and he's flipping through the B's when he finds The Name.

Bim.  
Bim Trimmer.

'Hello there, I'm Bim. I like comics, acting, and dogs.'

Is Bim the name of a guy who wears suits on weekdays, t- shirts on weekend? Does Bim want to learn about acting and video production, is he the kinda guy who would fall in love some day? Would he dance with his partner, cuddle with them, hold their hands at the museum?

Bim says yes, I'd do those things because that's me.

Bim sets down the baby names book, and makes a quick run to the horror section.  
Does Bim Trimmer like horror?  
Hell yeah he does.

(And something like this deserves celebration,so one small treat today.)

So he starts calling himself Bim, practicing how it'd sound to introduce himself, and even if he doesn't share this with anyone just yet, it's... it's good. Like there's less weight on his shoulders, even if he does 'spiral out' now and then emotionally. That’s been happening the last few years, but besides his mom it’s not like there’s anyone else he can trust with that knowledge.

Bim Trimmer feels like something more, and he's going to chase this feeling as long as he can.

*

In his first year of college, things get... messy.

He's working through the requirements to transition, live six months as himself then talk again about hormones, and it's difficult when he even hasn't told his family yet and his ma visits every two weeks. Like he appreciates her, has a niggling feeling she might know already, but how does he say "Hey ma, not gonna lie but I'm not a girl. Congrats, it's a bouncing baby boy! My name is Bim, Bim Trimmer."

(...Actually, he probably could say that. Good thing all of his stuff is in boxes anyways from when his family moved before the semester started, just in case things don't go as planned.)

He also has to try to talk to all his professors about his name as well, swallow his hurt as he says "Yeah, it says Beverly on the roster but I prefer to go by Bim. Just a nickname I respond to easier."

It feels gross to frame his name like that, the only way he can hear his own actual name is hoping to dear god that his professors give a shit about student preferences. It's easier with classmates and potential friends, introduce yourself as Bim the Guy from the get-go and no one really asks otherwise.

Yeah there might be a comment on why his clothes are slightly too big, his voice still too high, but he can answer those comments with a few words on comfort and how it's a medical thing, his voice y'see, it's why he tries to be nice to it.

It's a delicate balancing act, how he acts in front of family versus how he is with friends, and it's probably a good thing he's an acting major. He can get away with a lot of shit he otherwise probably couldn't do as a full-time film major, hence why he was going for a minor in film instead

Stuff is also messy in the sense of relationships, with crushes on girls and lingering glances sometimes at guys and it's hard to figure out if he wants to be with them or be them.

(With guys, he's going to say _be_ them for now. That's a thing he won't touch with a ten-foot pole ‘til after he's getting his hormones, thanks.)

Upside to being in college and living on campus, he has a room to himself because his roommate never showed up. It's a co-ed floor, but since he was one of the first to move in onto the floor and got his name tag down ASAP, no one questions why most of his side of the hallway is supposed to be girls.

It helps that he's the guy who always has energy drinks to hand out, talks loudly and brashly with a smile, will offer whatever help he can when someone seems to be in need.  
He creates bonds, makes people fond of him, and they'll overlook his flaws.  
Its how it worked in high school, how past friendships eventually bit him in the ass, but hey.

It's something.

Another upside is he can fill his closet and dresser drawers with whatever clothing he wants, he does his own laundry. Boxers, dress shirts, ties, bow-ties, fucking Hawaiian shirts, whatever makes feel more like him.  
And, two weeks in to this first semester, when he finally worked up his courage, he ordered his first binder. Paid for with money from his summer job at a grocery store, and how gleefully he disposed of the name tag reading 'Beverly' when he finally quit.

The binder's a tan color, all the better to wear a dress shirt with, darling, and he kinda hates the 8 hours rule but that's what baggy sweatshirts and doubled-up sports bras are for. He's a Trimmer, and they always make shit work one way or another.

(And he saw the price tag for top surgery one time, and to be honest? Fuck his life, it's gonna be a good few years before he can do it but god if it wouldn't be worth it.)

*

Bim comes out at the end of winter break, because he already has plans to move in with a buddy of his and a buddy of that buddy when summer comes. Best to do it now, only have to see his family again for a week or so to get the rest of his things.

His ma gives zero shits, just says "I had a feeling, dear." His father...well. He just gets up from the table and walks out of the room. Won't look at him the last few days Bim is there, and even if they've been faintly at odds for a while...

Bim had hoped.

Great grandmother calls him a mistaken lesbian, and he wants to punch the old bat now, which is not his best moment, but she's been acting like this for years since he first cut his hair shorter. He can fight with words too now, even if it just ends in a stalemate. Grandma...she tries to understand, but misses just shy of the mark. She's making an effort to try to understand him, and that's more than he would've expected from her. The cat never gives a fuck, so he adores little Minnow even more than before.

His last few days are spent mostly with his ma and the cat on the couch, ironing things out as they watch TV.

*

Wilford Warfstache is the buddy of his friend Derek Iplier, and a weird journalism student.

Bim feels ridiculously fond of him within the first five minutes of them meeting after the first joke about Derek’s horror collection, and bonding over 80s movies later the same night.

Warfstache is odd in the way Bim is odd, so a good kind of oddness that was gonna be present anyways even if it'd been just Derek and Bim. Get a journalism student, an acting major/film minor, and a film student with a love of horror makeup all in one room, and it's a fucking riot.

Bim loves these assholes, and Derek had just been a guy he met through one of his classes to begin with. Now he doesn't even want to imagine what it'd be like without them in his life.

Wilford also doesn't blink an eye when Bim says he's trans, so bonus points to the journalism student with pink hair and a fondness for pastel button-ups. Derek already knew, but it didn't lessen the apprehension Bim initially had about rooming with a stranger Derek knew.

(Wilford wears blouses sometimes, or a bit of makeup or nail polish, and Bim never really comments beyond offering to go on a shopping trip to help him coordinate things together if he wants. Wilford's smile is enough to settle any worry Bim had about potentially misinterpreting things.)

Derek, better known by his nickname of Dark for how many people mishear his name as well as his love of horror, is also a pretty chill guy to live with.

Sure it's alarming to come home to your roommate with blood on his face that makes him look like he bit someone, or his neck looks fucked up, but after enough corn syrup blood and bottles of liquid latex around, you roll with it pretty quickly. He also has a really sweet maniacal mad scientist laugh that Bim recorded to use as a ringtone, so y'know.

That’s a nice little bonus.

Life's looking up as it's the summer before his sophomore year of college, and maybe...

Maybe he's found some of the people he might keep for a long time.

*

"Look, d'you want a skirt or not?" Bim asks as he raises an eyebrow, tapping his foot as he's waiting for the fidgeting Wilford to reply.

Wilford runs a hand through his hair, negating the point of the styling gel he uses most days, and doesn't meet Bim's eyes as he says quietly "I would, very much."

"Gimme a sec to find a tape measure then, then we can hash out what you wanna do." Bim says, resting a hand on Wilford's shoulder briefly in a gesture of support before heading to his room to find a tape measure.

He returns rather triumphantly with one that looks like a duck, which makes Wilford laugh. Bim takes measurements like he remembers his gram doing when he was a kid when she was fitting him for a Halloween costume, and somehow manages to muddle through rather decently if he lets himself have an ego today.

"So. Two options. We take these measurements with us, and I translate them over into ridiculous women clothing standards at the store, and we buy a skirt." Bim says, making a tiny twirl motion as if wearing an imaginary skirt, and to keep Wilford smiling.

(It's been a rough couple of days for Wilf, and Bim's slightly worried if he's honest.)

"Option two," Bim continues, holding up a peace sign, "We go to a fabric place, buy some nice looking thing that catches your eye, and I abuse my access to the costuming workshop as a theatre student. Your choice, buddy."

Then Wilford tears up as his smile wobbles, sniffling a bit, and Bim is alarmed as hell ready to call Derek for advice when he ends up with an armful of crying Warfstache.

"Y-you'd do that, for me?" Wilford asks, voice shaky and kind of wrecked, and Bim's heart cracks. Whoever did something to make Wilf act like this, Bim would gladly try (and probably fail) to punch them in the face.

"Yeah, Wilf," Bim says softly, pulling him into a hug and running his fingers through Wilford's hair, "Yeah, I would." They just stay like that for a moment, Bim hugging Wilford and humming some half-remembered song as Wilf's crying starts to die down. Wilford sniffles eventually, pulling away from the embrace and giving Bim a wobbly grin.

(Bim gets flashbacks to crying in the bathroom behind stage, only pulling himself together because otherwise what good was he?)

"Window shopping. Let's do that first, and if it's shit I put my fashion into your hands, good sir." Wilford jokes, trying to discreetly rub at his eyes.

"I'm honored, Princess Warfstache," Bim replies with a mock bow, Wilford letting out a small giggle at the title.

"Aw, my knight in a suit." Wilford says fondly as they leave for the car.

(In the end, Wilf finds a nice, plain black skirt in one of the stores. He says he's trying to build up in small ways, but he'll take up Bim's offer at some point. It makes Bim feel warm on the inside.)

*

Chase Jackson isn't on his radar for a good long while.

Chase is a film student with a minor in philosophy, and apparently Bim's had some classes with him in the past. He’s tall and a bit on the lean side, tends to wear trucker hats and jeans and sneakers. Super casual, ridiculously sweet, a very upstanding kinda guy.

Bim maybe might have a small crush on him after they do a project together.

Bim plays a vampire going after Chase, who plays a kinda jock character. They're supposed to do a 2-3 minute long video with a narrative, and Chase is super into it. Bim also uses Derek to their advantage, to get good looking vamp teeth and special effects stuff going. The video ends with Bim pretty much ripping Chase's throat out, and it's kinda hokey but mostly rad as hell and fuck Derek is gonna be a good special effects guy someday.

There's loads of extra footage from when Chase and Bim were goofing off between takes with Derek and Wilf helping with camera work, and Bim compiles it into a blooper reel for shits and giggles to give out at the end of everything.

Chase's girlfriend Stacy got involved also, the jock's girlfriend who runs away when the vampire first shows up, and Bim feels horrible for feeling a twinge of jealousy as they interact together.

He thinks _What if it was my hand he was holding instead,_ feels a wave of guilt wash over him, and proceeds to eats ice cream later as he watches shitty horror movies from Blockbuster. Derek and Wilford join him in watching the shitty movies, Derek critiquing the makeup, Wilford making fun of how the dumb teenagers die, and it makes Bim laugh even as he feels faintly miserable.

He just keeps thinking about the way he loomed over Chase for a shot today, baring his teeth as blood dripped down his chin, how close their bodies were and how easy it would have been to have reached out and touched his shoulder, his arm.

(How easy it would be to change the film from killing Chase to changing him, because Bim's read enough horror to pick up on the subtext. To tell himself a certain story, even if no one else would know.)

Chase becomes one of Bim's friends after that, just because of how easy it was to collaborate and talk to each other about anything and everything. Chase is like a sunflower, bright and vibrant and alive.

It's hard not to like him.

So Bim is happy to call him his friend, even as he still gets hit with guilt now and then for thinking along the lines of _What would it be like to rest my head on his shoulder, to hold hands, how'd he look in a suit, what would a waltz look like with us?_

(He was young and impressionable when he saw Strictly Ballroom and Victor/Victoria. The second one his ma only rented because Julie Andrews was in it, and it was in the comedy section.)

They lose contact the next semester, no longer sharing classes and the ante being raised in their last year of college.

*

After he graduates he moves again, to somewhere bigger. He goes to auditions, pitches his talents as a video editor where he can, and it takes a year but he finally makes it.

He's going to be the host of Hire My Ass.

He's officially been a man for four years when this happens, and you know what he does after he gets his first pay check?

He gets a suit. A nice versatile black, no lapels, a dress shirt, a dark patterned tie, and a set of new dress shoes. It's not like its custom or from an honest to god suit store, but it means something to him to be the first to wear it.

Right before the first shoot with him as host, he looks at himself in the mirror, runs a hand down the front of his suit. He fiddles with his hair, flashes himself a smile and he wants to laugh with joy. His facial hair isn't patchy anymore, his hair beautifully styled, and he is James Bond, Vincent Price, and Agent Cooper all rolled into one.

He leaves the dressing room with a spring in his step.

*

LA is a pain in the ass to live in, with traffic and pollution and such, but Bim is...

Bim's fond of it, in his own way. The suburbs are still a bit of a hell, leftover distaste for the 'burbs when he was in middle school, but it's nice to have somewhere solely his.

His suits in the closet, the couch he bought when Wilford broke the old one, the quilt his mother made on his bed. As a teenager feeling out of place and lonely, he dreamed of the day he'd have somewhere to call his own. Daydream on the layout, where he'd put things, stuff like that. This place was that daydream, even if...

Even if sometimes it felt so damned empty.

(He adopts a black lab, a sweet lug of a dog who loves being hugged and going on walks, and calls the sweet pooch Jake. Jake is probably the highlight of his day now, besides the taping for the show.)

*

Bim has a specific tie for Pride.

It's one he picked up in a moment of fondness, found it in an actual store that maybe it didn't have meaning there but it did for him.

Blue, white, and pink stripes, thick bands of color that made him pause when he first saw it. Sure it was a bit more colorful than he liked for hosting or other professional sorts of things, but he liked it.

Wearing the suit was like armor when he went to Pride, the first time he'd been 'out' in public. He still had his binder then, tucked his suit coat over his arm as the heat got worse, and it was...

It was fun, all in all. A bit like the street fairs on Second Saturdays when he was growing up, people coming together with friends, family, and loved ones to have fun. In this case it was to celebrate, but there was heart to it. Take, well, pride in the fact of who you were, and learn that there were more people like you who existed.

(When he was younger, he could have used that reassurance.)

He talked to a lot of people that day, some who commented on his tie and others because they looked amazing and Bim couldn't help but comment. He learned a lot that day, about what various color combinations meant besides the two he already knew, a few new words for identities that he hadn't even considered.

There are two specific conversation he remembers in very good detail though, because...well, one made his heart both crack and swell in the same moment, sadness and happiness warring with each other. Made him wish desperately he could go back in time to talk to his younger self who'd been consumed by fear and doubt. The other had him find kindred spirits, almost a reassurance of ‘Someday, it could be like this.’

The first was a young man with dyed red hair, square glasses, and wore a baggy hoodie even in the start of June. Hunched shoulders to make himself smaller, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes flicking from one person to the next in almost nervousness. He'd recognized Bim, cried when he saw the tie, approached Bim and asked "Does it get any better, any easier?"

His voice had been wobbly, a bit broken even, and he looked like he might cry again. He sounded like an Arizonan too, a certain twist to his words, and it stung to see someone who could've been his younger self this way.

"It does. Sometimes it's scary, trying to be yourself. But in the end, you're the important one. Whoever you end up being, you'll be enough." Bim replies eventually, thinking over his words and remembering what he wanted someone to tell him. The young man hugs him when Bim offers, introduces himself a moment later as "Ti- Nathan. I'm Nathan." There's still a waver to his voice, but it strengthens as he says the name.

"I'm Bim. Nathan's a strong name, I've heard. Fit for bad-asses." Bim replies, and the hesitant smile he gets in reply is good. Let the kid be proud of himself for the name he's chosen.

The second is groundwork for a friendship, one that happens rather unexpectedly.

It's a table with books, the handmade sign declaring them LGBTQ+ in nature, and the guy manning it has floofy black hair and rainbow flannel and looks oddly familiar in a way Bim can't quite place. He's leaning into the guy next to him who has reflective blue Lennons and a white streak in dark hair, whispering something that gets the other to laugh.

Out of curiosity Bim wanders over and starts looking through books, finds one or two that oh, he's definitely snagging those, and lets the two keep talking to each other. He coughs politely to get their attention, and a soft 'boof' answers him as the guy with floofy hair turns to look at him.

A German Shepherd with a rainbow bandanna around its neck and a service dog vest peeks out on the left side of the table where the guy with glasses sits, and Floofy hair smiles, says "Hey, you're that guy that comes in every coupla days for mysteries. Name's Eric Adelmund, of Adelmund Books. This is my partner, Cecil."

The man with Lennons (Cecil, apparently) smiles, gives a brief nod and says "Ah yes, the Christie fan. If you like her, I'd recommend Sayers in a heartbeat. Don't mind Asterism, she just wants to be part of what's going on."

Cecil gives the dog a pat on the head, says softly "C'mon Aster, don't want you out in the street." Asterism gives a brief 'woof' in reply before settling around Cecil's feet.

"Bim, Bim Trimmer. I thought you looked familiar, but couldn't quite place it." Bim replies with a slight smile and shrug, adds as he offers his hand to shake "Nice to meet you, Mr. Adelmund."

Eric smiles, shakes Bim's hand and says "Call me Eric. The rate you read, I'll probably be seeing more of you, Bim. Cecil, Murder Must Advertise or Views the Body?"

The question feels like a non sequitur as Eric takes the books from Bim and starts writing up a receipt, doesn't even look at Cecil when he asks.

"That's tough. Bim, you like Poirot?" Cecil asks, not looking at where Bim is but rather at Eric.

"Yeah, never really got into Miss Marple. I've read Lovecraft a few times, if it's a question of what I can handle." Bim says when he takes the receipt, looking it over before taking out his wallet for some cash. Cecil turns to him then, still a faint smile on his face.

"Quite the interesting taste. I'd recommend Views the Body for next time you drop in. It's a collection of some of the Lord Peter short stories, good for a taste of Sayers. We still have the trade, or the oversized?" Cecil asks, turning in Eric's direction.

"Think we still have some of the trade paperbacks. I can hold it for you if you're interested, Bim." Eric offers as he pulls out a plastic bag from a box underneath the table, slips the books into it as Bim hands over the cash.

"Sounds good. I have some time next week I could drop by, if that's alright." Bim replies, and...

It's a little strange, how easy this is. How casually Eric introduced Cecil as his partner without a drop of hesitance, how they all introduce themselves like it's any other day. It feels like it should be different, because of where they are, but it's not. In a way, it's like the world is saying life can be normal even if it's not what's considered the standard.

"Yeah, that'd work. Ceece, you gonna be in studio during days next week or still on night shift?" Eric asks, touching Cecil's shoulder lightly.

"Night shift, hun. Might be a bit ‘til I see you again, Bim, but I hope the recommendation works. Nice to meet you," Cecil says, and it all clicks when Bim notices Cecil look where he was last time he spoke.

"Nice meeting you too, Cecil, Eric. If you don't mind me asking, what station do your work for?" Bim asks curiously, folding his jacket to put in the bag as well.

(About a year later when they're something like friends, they're in a café and look back on that meeting fondly. It's one of the days Cecil is using his cane, and also the day Cecil asks quietly "...Is it alright if I try to see you? I might have a bit of vision up close, but I'm tired of relying on Eric alone for descriptions."

"Sure, feel free. Just, uh, usually I'm not so scruffy. Been a busy coupla days." Bim replies, a bit self-conscious after not having shaved. Seemed like he got the family genes for decent facial hair, at least.

Eric chuckles, says with a wink "I feel ya, man. Should see me after a writing binge."

"There's a reason I don't kiss you til after you shave on those days," Cecil says sotto voice, touching lightly at Bim's face, and Eric laughs brightly.

It's a good Saturday. Hell, Cecil even convinces Bim to try coldbrew for the first time, and it's pretty damn good.)

*

Its 2015, four years Hire My Ass has been going, and Bim adores it but he still wants more.

He's been shopping around his resume, sprinkled with some of the plays he's done in the off time, and going to auditions when he can. He wants to be more than just a game show host, and it's only a matter of time before he gets a new gig.

And then he shoots an episode with YouTube sensation Matthias, and he hasn't seen a guy so fucking pretty and handsome since he had a crush on Chase. It's crush at first sight, and he lets his mouth get ahead of him as he promises Matthias anything.

(He's had a handful of relationships with women, very few reaching the point where Bim told them he was trans, and one with another man. It'd been brief, a month at the most, and mutually dissolved in the end.)

His producers aren't the happiest with him making a fool of himself on live TV, but the ratings are better than ever with both Matthias and Danny Sexbang of all people on screen. Bim's also gotta be honest, Danny is also a handsome sonuvabitch he wouldn't mind smooching, and what a thing, Bim feeling comfortable enough with himself to say when he has a crush on somebody.

No guilt ripping him apart like back in college, because this time there is only ever professionalism.

(He has a brief moment when taping where he imagined holding Matthias' hand, running a hand through his cute hair, and god he hoped he hadn't blushed on camera. If he did, he hoped it was when the camera was focusing on the contestants.)

*

He's audition hopping when he runs into Chase Jackson again.

Chase is wearing skinny jeans, has the same cute smile Bim remembers, and fading green hair.

(He also has a wedding ring.)

Bim double-takes on seeing him, says "Chase, Chase Jackson? It's Bim, Bim Trimmer."

Chase smiles at him, says "Bim, it's been ages dude! How ya been hanging?"

Bim tries not to focus too much on how his stomach has butterflies as they catch up with each other, how Bim swears his hand still feels warm even after the handshake ended.

Chase has been doing YouTube apparently, with his channel Bro Average. He's been trying to branch out more though, because he wants acting to be a long-term thing rather than videos he does when he's not in the office. Bim mentions how he's trying to get some new roles, he doesn't want to end up like Trebek hosting the same show for over ten years, he wants more than the occasional local theatre gig.

Then they exchange numbers, right before Chase gets called in, and promise to keep in touch.

Bim calls up Wilford in a cheerful sort of panic after he gets home, going "Oh god, I just ran into Chase again and he's super handsome and I want to die."

Used to Bim's panic-calls, Wilford responds with a bit of teasing, "You scamp, you ask him out?"

"It was at an audition you dingus, he's married." Bim says, rolling his eyes as he goes to refill Jake's food bowl.

"So? If you home wreck, I won't tell if you don't." Wilford says cheerfully, and Bim can just see the shrug accompanying it along with a devilish grin.

"Wilf, you shit, don't even start." Bim replies in mock-anger, unable to keep the fondness from his voice.

"Pfft, you and your silly morals. Missin' out on some sweet ass." Wilford says, crass as always and fuck Bim is glad to have him as a friend.

"I'll live. I got Jake to be my buddy." Bim says with a snort, idly scratching Jake on the head.

The two of them keep talking ‘til Derek gets home, and Wilf hands the phone off to him. Derek sasses Bim, Bim sasses back, and it makes Bim ache for home.

"I miss you jerks," Bim admits softly during a comfortable silence while Derek is making notes on a new makeup.

"Miss you too, dummy. Look, next time you have some time off, come down to San Fran. Warf's show is weekends anyway, and when this next movie wraps up I'm gold for a few weeks." Derek offers, and Bim smiles slightly as he rests his head against Jake.

"Hope you're fine with dogs, Dark." He says, already mentally planning what he could make as gifts. Derek laughs, says "Bim, like I'd say no. Take care of yourself, goof."

"You too, bud. Same for Wilf."

*

Bim and Chase talk on and off for about two years, building up a kind of friendship that they didn't really have together in college. It wasn't just two classmates forced onto a project together, its two people reaching out and talking.

It feels like the kind of friendship where you can let it rest for a while, only to pick up exactly where you left off. It's...nice, to have someone else like Wilf and Derek.

Sure Bim has other friends as well, like the Gibson quadruplets in editing, Arthur the zookeeper, Ed in the comedy section a set over, Shepherd who was part of his improv group, Eric and Cecil who he tried to see every couple of weeks besides books. Some of them felt a bit circumstantial though, and in other cases they just had their own lives to be concerned with. He wouldn’t judge them for that, whereas Chase…

Chase tended to have lots to say, lots of ideas to bounce, and Bim liked talking with him about that kind of thing.

 It feels like equal exchange, both of them talking ideas and random shit, and it's nice and a bit freeing. Talking about whatever they want, jumping from topic to topic like some kind of adventurers. Sure they don't talk super emotional stuff, beyond Chase talking about his kids and Bim talking about Derek and Wilf sometimes, but it's still nice.

It’s a couple of months after the two year mark that Chase calls him in the middle of the night.

*

Bim's phone goes off on his bedside table, and groggily he turns over in bed and fumbles around for it. He curses a little as his fingers miss, then curses at how bright the screen is. He doesn’t even register the name on the screen, answers with a half-awake "Hey, what's going on..."

Chase is crying, sobbing, losing his shit, and he sounds more miserable than Bim has ever heard him before.

"Oh god, Bim, please, things're going ta shit and I-I can't do anything, fuck." Chase says in a rush, voice cracking and already sounding worn out.

Like he's been talking for hours, or yelling.

"Chase, Chase, what's going on, did something happen-"Bim starts to say, half hazy with sleep still, only to be cut off.

"The kids're at her parents, Stacy wants-she says-oh god, fuck me. I need ta get out of here, I can't-I just fucking can't." Chase all but begs, and Bim's heart breaks.

"Chase, buddy, listen to my voice. Breath, buddy, in four out for four. If you're serious about leaving for the night, I'm gonna need you to grab a jacket and your keys, bud." Bim says, already swinging his feet out of bed. He puts his phone on loudspeaker as he tries to find a shirt, says "Chase, I'm gonna pick you up, need your address," as he pulls on a sweatshirt instead.

Not like there's protocol for picking up a panicking buddy at 3 AM, and the more Chase cries the more Bim feels like he should get there sooner rather than later.

Chase manages to stutter out an address, and when Bim plugs it into Maps he lets out a noise of frustration.

30 minutes.

30 minutes he can't waste, as he just pulls on some socks, heads out to the front room, and grabs his keys still talking to Chase all the while.

*

If Bim though he sounded like a wreck, Chase looks like one.

Eyes red from crying with dark purple smudges underneath, hair greasy as it flops into his eyes, curling himself up in the corner out front where front door meets wall. He looks so damned small and fragile, clutching to his phone like a lifeline ever after Bim arrives.

As Bim coaxes him to the car, he sees why: the lock screen is of his kids, Emma and Max.

Chase doesn't say much on the drive back to Bim's place, always seems to look away to the window right as Bim tries to meet his eyes. Eventually the silence gets to Bim, so he asks a quiet "Fine if I turn on the radio?"

"...Yeah, it's ok." Chase replies, not turning away from the window. Bim turns on the radio, flipping to the one Cecil is on. Between rock songs he reads stuff from fans, and maybe a calm voice between familiar music will help.

Stations like this make him think of when he was homesick listening to [Alice Copper](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjTkreat6bVAhXmilQKHY24BtkQFggoMAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nightswithalicecooper.com%2F&usg=AFQjCNEYtZ1ChRIwSjn04Fly4oLuC-ElsA) do a talk show, and maybe it'll comfort Chase in some way.

They get back to Bim's in one piece, Jake surprisingly still in Bim's room, and Bim gestures to the hallway, says "Guest room is second on the right, I can lend you some pajama pants if you want."

Chase nods, looking so lost on the couch that Bim reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder, squeezes gently. "It's gonna be fine, buddy. Sleep on it, and we can talk in the morning."

He goes to get the sleep pants, and when he leaves his room the guest room door is closed.

Jake is a step behind, and Bim doesn't have the heart to tell him to go away.

(It'd been a conscious choice to make the room across from his the guest room so he'd be just a door away. When Wilf had hard days, when Derek couldn't sleep, they'd just need to knock to and they'd have a dog and Bim for comfort.)

Bim knocks softly before coming in, pajama pants held out as a peace offering. Chase seems to perk up a little bit as Jake walks out from behind Bim, goes next to the bedside and lets Chase pet him.

"Thank you," Chase says, looking up from scratching under Jake's chin, and meeting Bim's eyes for the first time all night.

His blue eyes are as handsome as Bim remembers, and goddamnit Chase is having a breakdown related to his wife and kids. Why is his brain betraying him, Chase needs a friend and stability right now.

Not a mooning asshole at 4 in the goddamn morning.

There's a silence, comfortable and almost...domestic as Bim watches Chase and his dog, and he hopes Chase can't see the blush crawling up his neck in the dim light.

"It's...it's not a problem. I'm across the hall, just knock. Jake can stay with you, if you want." Bim offers, feeling like he's overstayed his welcome.

Chase looks so hopeful as he asks "Really?", and Bim can't help himself recalling how Wilford said something similar years ago, crying in his arms.

"Really really, bud. I'm gonna grab something real quick, but then I’m gonna go back to bed.” Bim replies, smiling a little.

"Alright," Chase says, looking perhaps the calmest he's been all night as he continues petting the black lab.

Bim tries to ignore the _something_ in his chest as he gets down a quilt for Chase to use, the white and purple one he took from home to college, and how much he'd give to just wrap Chase up on the couch.

(How he'd want to hug him close, whisper as many words of comfort he knows as a he'd run a hand through faded green hair, kiss his forehead.)

Chase seemed to have drifted off a bit when Bim comes back, quilt in tow, Jake curled up next to him on the bed. It makes something in Bim's chest tighten, makes him feel bad as Chase jerks upwards looking confused.

"Thought you'd like something more than sheets. Sometimes it gets cold." Bim explains awkwardly, suddenly feeling more foolish than anything else. He notes, rather belatedly, that Chase looks pretty cute in his pajama pants.

Chase blinks, and a smile seems to bloom on his face.

"Thank you, for everything you're doing." Chase says, for a moment sounding something close to who he normally was.

Bim shrugs, tries to find words to say as he lands on "It's- it's probably not the most I could do, but I'm happy to help."

Then Bim leaves for the second time that night, and tries to get to sleep.

*

Bim wakes up, oddly enough, to the smell of pancakes.

He looks around his room for Jake, only for what happened last night to hit him. Chase crying, ending up in his guest room, Jake curled next to him.

A few minutes later after groping around for his glasses, he stumbles out to the hallway, partially awake and thankful he took off the sweatshirt before bed last night.

(It means his scars are visible, but fuck it. It's been three years, they've healed. It also means his tattoo is visible if he turns around, but again, fuck it.)

Chase is in the kitchen with his phone playing music, something [upbeat and poppy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UYi5naMsfg) he dances to as he flips a pancake. Jake is happy as Chase feeds him a bit of a broken pancake, and Bim's heart does a flip.

He coughs to announce his presence, hides his smile behind a hand as Chase whips around.

"Mornin'. How ya holding up?" Bim asks, leaning his hip against the kitchen counter. His voice is rough with sleep, and even now it still sends a thrill through him that his voice is deep.

(It's the small things in life.)

"Alright. Better than before." Chase replies with a quick smile, before flipping another pancake and sliding it onto an awaiting plate.

"Hope you don't mind I looked around, thought I'd pay you back." He continues, turning to face Bim.

He's borrowed one of the aprons Oliver (one of the Gibson quadruplets) got him as a joke, bright yellow with a black caution symbol stating 'Hot stuff coming through', and fuck Bim's life he's adorable.

"Thanks, Chase. That's kind of you." Bim says, smiling at him, before adding as he leans against the counter “Need any help?” He’s content to watch, let Chase get back into the groove of things, but he isn’t rude. If Chase wants help, he’ll do his best to assist.

"If you wanna dish up, I guess. Just enough batter for like three more, so should be done soon." Chase replies, before singing along to the chorus of something.

"Can do. If you want eggs, I can work on those next." Bim says with a shrug, moving to the cupboard the plates are in.

He sees Chase turn out of the corner of his eye as he has to stretch to reach the plates, so it's less of a surprise when Chase asks "You have a tattoo?"

It's a realistic butterfly on Bim's left shoulder blade, a few inches wide, the kind that have camouflage like eyes, and says ‘Bona to vada’ in clean black letters underneath. He got it when he was 20, in one of his moments where he had to do something to make him feel more like himself.

(It was also a nod to Lord Fanny and Danny the Street, but Bim was a man of class and tastefulness after all.)

"Yeah, had it for a while. So, eggs?" Bim asks, and when Chase says "Sure, if you wanna," he crouches to get into the bottom cupboard for another pan after setting the plates on the countertop.

Breakfast is a causal affair, eaten at the counter, and Chase begins to falteringly tell Bim what happened as they begin to clean up and put things in the dishwasher.

Stacy wasn't happy with Chase pulling more hours at the office, felt like he wasn't doing enough to take care of the kids. She’d been on him recently though about needing to take more hours, needing to be a real man to support their family, and what else could Chase do? He's let his channel slip to two uploads a month if he was lucky, and even while he agonized over not spending enough time with Emma and Max he still tried to see them every morning for breakfast and always for dinner.

Yesterday had apparently been the breaking point, Chase showing up early to dinner for the first time in a month, and Stacy just-

Stacy just going at him, the kids already shuffled away to the grandparents for the next few days.

Not even a chance to say goodbye.

Chance found himself dreading staying the night after hours of fighting, faintly terrified of Stacy on some level, and Bim...

Bim is a friend, who's level-headed and safe. Someone Chase would trust with Emma and Max, which says a lot on its own.

(Chase doesn't say this part: Your voice is like a blanket mixed with hot chocolate when it's cold out, and I was out of my head and all I wanted to do was scream and you're my quiet place. I need someone right now, someone who actually gives a fuck about me, and besides my kids you’re probably one of the few who still cares.)

There's a lot more of course, past events that contributed to this tension that led to the blow-up, and Chase had been...he'd been focusing on the kids, on work, to pretend things were fine, that this is something that they could patch up.

A relationship of over ten years had to mean something...

Right?

Bim just lets Chase talk at his own pace, keeping his mouth shut because he's worried about spooking him. The best thing Bim can do at the moment is offer support where he can, and maybe call Wilf later on how to deal with stuff like this. Wilf's been with Derek for a long time, with ups and downs and fights in their relationship, and maybe he'd have some advice for Bim to pass on to Chase.

But, he can say this with absolute surety and no hesitance: "Look, whatever happens Chase, my door's always open. Text me, and it might be a little while but I'll still try to be there."

It's a lot to promise, like how much he'd promised to Matthias on the episode that had led to some self-reflection for himself, and what a comparison to make.

One past crush compared to an older/current one.

But he means it, as he lays a hand over Chase's, meets blue eyes with his own brown. For Bim, friends have always been family, even the ones who turn out to be heartless bastards, and Chase...

Well, he'd never turn away a friend in need.

*

It's a couple of months after the late night call that Bim's watching Chase's most recent video, and things are-

Things are ugly, is what it is. A normal Bro Average video degrading into Chase miming... miming...

Fuck, Bim can't even stomach it.

He knows Chase records these vids a certain amount of time in advance, so why the fuck did Bim have to learn about Stacy wanting a divorce like this?

(Chase pretending to kill himself with a Nerf gun, like how Bim used to imagine walking into traffic or off of a building. Like how he sometimes still imagines, even with therapy and meds.)

He texts Chase, tries to avoid sounding accusatory, says ' _Are you alright? Please be honest._ '

He's willing to ditch a HMA recording for the first time in years if Chase needs him right now, like how he'd ditched to take Derek to the hospital, to talk Wilford through a bad mix of dysphoria and an anxiety attack.

' _No_ ' Chase replies, only to add _'I’ll see u after ur done'_

And Bim...he just feels hollow, like he needs to do something more, say something to comfort him.

Instead he texts back, says _'I'm gonna have my buddy Derek call you. Keep you company. If I calm you down, he's way better.'_

Then he calls Derek, checks to make sure it's alright to ask this of him, and Derek is Derek as he asks "Look, you want me to weed out what's going on?"

"No, it's his choice to talk. Whatever he says to you, unless he says it's fine to tell me, you don't breathe a word of it. Thanks for doing this, Dark."

"Anything for family, brother. If he grows on me though, maybe bring him with next time you come down to San Fran."

Bim chuckles, a weary tired sound, and says "What'd I tell you about making jokes, Dark? That's Wilf's job." He rattles off Chase's number before hanging up, and heads back into taping this week's episode of Hire My Ass.

He promises himself, the second everything is wrapped up today, he's tracking Chase down and drowning him in all the quilts he can find until he talks.

(Aggressive affection is a difficult skill to learn, but under the tutelage of one Wilford Warfstache...Bim liked to say he was pretty alright, when it came down to it.)

*

Derek texts Bim that he talked to Chase, which apparently ended up being mostly one-sided as Derek talked about the subtleties of effects makeup because Chase said he just needed a voice to listen to.

He also gave Chase the address of a café near the studio, so Bim wouldn't have far to go to check on him.

"Thanks Derek, I'll owe you one." Bim says as he's walking to the car, suit coat over an arm.

"Come be a vampire for me. This summer, you can be part of a horde. Already asked the director and everything." Derek says, and Bim laughs. "I'll see what I can swing, bud. Call you later."

Chase is in a nearby café as promised, sitting at a table out front with something chocolate looking. He's staring at his phone, so Bim takes the opportunity to go inside, grab a cherry Italian soda and a cinnamon roll to split.

He slides the cinnamon roll (already cut) into Chase's field of vision before he sits down in the opposite chair, saying "Hope Derek didn't scare you off. Didn't want to introduce you this way, but..."Bim shrugs, takes a sip of sweet, sweet artificial cherry.

"Nah, he was fine. Bit weird, but a good kind, y'know? Voice ain't quite like yours, though." Chase says after a moment, eyes briefly flicking up to meet Bim's. Then Chase looks away in embarrassment, realizing what he'd just admitted.

"That's Derek. Met him in college, he helped with the makeup on our vampire video, you remember that? Wants me to reprise the role and everything this summer." Bim says easily, because this is normal.

This is him and Chase talking about random things, being friends.

(This is Bim trying to set Chase at ease, because what else can he do?)

"Really? He mentioned vamp makeup, didn't think it'd be something like that. Think he could hook me up?" Chase asks, flashing him a grin, and Bim knows that trick, has pulled it multiple times himself to switch topics.

He plays along anyways though, replies "Probably. It'd be as extras, but it'd be fun. Get out of town, fitted for teeth, get splattered with blood. A wholesome vacation, I'd say."

"I might take you up on that then," Chase replies, smiling like it's a joke even as his voice betrays him. They lapse into an uncomfortable silence, Chase digging into his half of the cinnamon roll as Bim swirls the whipped cream further into his drink.

"...Chase, I gotta ask what happened. It...Your recent upload didn't look great, and I'm worried." Bim says falteringly, worried he's overstepping some kind of line in the sand.

Chase's smile drops, and he looks down to his hands. "I...look, if you're okay with it, I'd rather talk about this in private. Rather not cry in public another time this week." Chase says, voice thick with emotion.

"You take your own car, or...?" Bim asks, only for Chase to shake his head.

"Got an Uber. Staying with a buddy of mine who's a doc at the moment, but he's on shift." Chase replies with a small halfhearted shrug, shoulders drooping and still avoiding meeting Bim’s eyes.

"...My place is about 40 minutes away, if you want...if you want to get more outta LA proper. Could swing by your buddy's place if you got stuff to grab." Bim offers, and the more he hears the more his heart sinks.

Whatever happened between Chase and Stacy sounds worse and worse by the second, and fuck Bim's worried about Emma and Max. Worried about how the kids have to deal with a family falling apart, because Bim witnessed it first hand and it was hell.

(He only ever really talks to his mom anymore since he came out, sometimes his grandad or one of his cousins. The first time Derek called him brother in their third year of college, he'd cried.)

"Got the stuff I need right here," Chase says, and there's a small thump as he moves a black backpack with his shoe.

"Alright then, let's get going. You can say as much or as little as you want, but I can only help with whatever you decide to give me." Bim replies, taking a long sip and shaking his cup a little to move around the ice.

Chase gives Bim a tired smile, and that's how things go.

(Chase gives him bits and pieces of what happened when they get back, how he'd more or less had a breakdown. Stacy leaving with the kids, demanding a divorce, he'd lost his job, how everything was crumbling around his ears and-

Bim wraps him up in the quilt his mother made him, gives him hot chocolate, and lets Jake up onto the couch to rest in Chase's lap. Bim holds Chase as he sobs, his head resting on Bim's chest and a hand clutching at his shirt.

Bim runs his fingers through green hair like he'd dreamed of doing years ago, and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.)

*

Chase stays a day, offering more of what happened after a good night of sleep for the first time in three days. The standing rule is still 'I can only help with what you give me,' and Bim lets Chase go at his own pace as he explains.

The day after that, Chase goes back to his friend’s place and is starting to tentatively plan on moving his stuff around.

They go back to talking on and off, every couple of days, and life is life. Bim works on memorizing lines for things he wants to try out for, Chase starts moving his stuff into storage between talks with a lawyer, and it's how it goes.

Derek emails Bim about the vampire thing, gives him the date of filming (June 5th to June 11th, crowd scenes and some later stuff that needs the horde) and the place (Arizona, but thankfully nowhere close to any family).

Bim replies, says _'I can swing that_ ,' only to add after a minute of thought _'I mentioned it to Chase a while back, he seemed interested. Need one more extra?’_

Derek replies _'I said if I liked him to bring him, yeah?_ ' and Bim almost laughs himself sick in front of his computer.

An hour of talking, and Chase had grown on Derek to the point of admitting it. That's got to be a record there, because it took six months for Derek to say they were friends, three and a half years for him to admit a crush on Wilf, and two years on top of that before he even asked Wilf out.

(It's taken Derek most of his life to reach the point of being this open, this free with his emotions.)

So Bim texts Chase the info, tacks on _'I'd be willing to split costs on stuff if you're still serious about wanting in.'_

It's a day or two ‘til Chase responds, just says _'I'm in. Need to get outta my head for a few days.'_

*

Being vampires is _fun._

Sure Derek doesn't have to waste his time gussying Bim and Chase up himself with two assistants, but it gives him a chance to catch up with Bim and mess with them a bit.

For once Bim is sans dress shirt on a weekday, instead in general casual wear. Worn dark t-shirt, leather jacket, jeans. Hell, even sunglasses to go with, and-

"...Fuck off, I look like Baphomet from Wicked and Divine, ya goober." Bim says, glad he brought his contacts with just in case.

"Hey, I just snagged stuff from wardrobe. Ain't no skin offa my nose," Derek replies with his hands in a gesture of surrender, smile betraying him.

The teeth fit like a dream, and Derek makes him look like he fucking mauled somebody with blood down his chin and down the shirt. He also gets a good sized latex piece on the right his neck so it looks like someone bit him hard enough to rip off skin, and it’s gnarly and gross and Bim loves it the same way he loves American Werewolf in London.

He's waiting outside the makeup area for Chase and Derek so they can head over to the set together, and it’s an ingrained reaction to look wherever Derek is calling from.

That's when he sees Chase.

His hair is still faded green, but it looks wild and curlier than ever. There's a slash across his throat, he's baring his teeth to show off the teeth Derek set him up with, and there's a gash like Bim's on the left side of Chase's neck. He’s dressed in what seems to be the standard outfit, a black t-shirt, skinny jeans, and a leather jacket. Chase seems to border on manic, talking excitedly as the three walk to set together, gesturing quickly and wildly, and Bim is just-

Bim can't take his eyes off of him.

Chase heads on to set while Bim lingers, turns to Derek and says "You're a dick, you know that? Don't know how you stole Gummy Bear's heart with dicketry like this."

Derek just grins, says "Whatcha mean, brother," and winks as he pats Bim on the shoulder.

(The marks on Bim's neck clearly has fangs, as does Chase's. And Bim can only remember how he, Derek, and Wilf got drunk together one time when they were still roommates and debated about vampires and Bim had slurred 'They're a- a metawhatsits y'know, for sex and shit. Disease too.'

Derek is a little shit with great memory, and Bim is going to have sweet revenge next time he talks to Wilford.)

The director has them in the background of a shot, part of a group of three surrounding a table going to town on the person draped over it, reaching into the torso to pull out meat and pretend to eat it.

It's just to a bucket hidden out of sight under the table, but it'll look super gross and Bim's already excited practically bouncing from foot to foot as he waits for the Director to yell action. Chase is practicing his evil grins for best teeth reveals, and the third person with them just thinks they're funny as they squabble a bit back and forth about who's more handsome as a vampire.

Then the director yells "Action!", and hell if the three of them don't go for it.

*

The six days of filming are grueling, make Bim weary at the end of every day, but...

He's happy.

At the end of every day he fell into bed and slept dreamlessly, he felt only contentment as he hung up his clothes for the next day.

This is maybe the best he's felt in ages, finally doing rather than waiting to see, and it’s _fun_. He hasn't felt this kind of excitement in ages, and it’s great, energizing. With every day Chase settles more into himself, looks more maniacal as a vampire, and on the fourth day when the hunters versus vampire scene is done...

Chase looks terrifying with the prop knife in hand, miming slitting his own throat as he gestures threateningly at the hunters. Bim just channels his inner Baphomet, the suave Vincent Price who charmingly threatens to poison his wife, and he's a cocky asshole with a baseball bat and a shark grin flipping the hunters the bird.

Of course most of the vamps get slaughtered by the hunters, good winning over evil, but Chase is one of the ones allowed to skitter away.

(And Bim swears that there was a moment when he was playing dead that there was a hand on his, a brief lingering touch across his knuckles, the weight of a gaze on him before the sound of running footsteps.)

When their portion of filming is done, the six days past, Derek drives them to the airport and drops them off.

It feels like something ending, reality catching back up to them as Chase adjusts his snapback and Bim grabs his suit jacket from the backseat. They had their fun in Arizona, pretending to be vampires, and now...

Now it's time to go back to LA, back to their normal lives, and it's sad in a way.

They sit next to each other at the gate, men of few words as Chase checks his phone and Bim watches the planes depart. Bim texts Derek, says _'Thank you, this is the best I've felt in a while'_ and tucks it back into his pocket awaiting no answer.

Chase sounds like he's talking to one of his kids, a small smile on his face as he keeps his voice quiet, and Bim gets up to grab a snack and give Chase some privacy.

Boarding is easy if annoying, and on take-off Chase clings to his phone like a lifeline as he tries to not panic. He feels it's goofy, unmanly to be scared of something so mundane as flying, but when Bim offers him a hand to hold he takes it. Sometimes it's okay to be scared, ask for help, and while it's difficult...

It's nice having someone to be honest with again, terror and all.

Chase lets go around the time the flight smooths out, and laughs at a few jokes Bim makes. By the end of the flight nears, his nerves feel a bit better if still frazzled. Chase also works up the nerve to do something that, to be honest, intimidates him a little bit.

Bim is friendly, the kind of outgoing person who's openly affectionate, but at the same time...

Chase has never been the one to do stuff like that. Family sure, but not so much with friends.

Either way, when they land in LA and people are starting to depart, Chase takes the opportunity to take Bim's hand in his own and say quietly "Thank you."

When Bim makes no move to take his hand out of Chase's, Chase just keeps going.

"It's been...it's been real tough the last few weeks, hell, the last two months, and I... I can't thank you enough for being here. Talkin' me through shit an' helping me keep my head on straight."

There's a moment of relative silence, the only sound other passengers leaving, and Chase closes his eyes as he feels sudden regret.

Should've kept his mouth shut, should've kept his heart off his sleeve, too much to dump on one of the few people who's in his corner willing to help him. It's his problems, his own life that's in shambles, and he suddenly feels like a wreck right now ready to fracture at the next touch.

It won't be the first time he's cried in public since Stacy left him, but it'll be the first time on an airplane.

 _'What a nice amount of firsts. First love, first wife, first divorce, first time in a plane bursting into tears'_ Chase thinks rather miserably, only to laugh and sob at the same time as he takes his hand out of Bim's to hide his face in his hands.

"I...Sorry, it's my brain dicking with me. I'm not- not at my best right now." Chase says, voice muffled by his own hands, and god he wouldn't even judge Bim right now for walking away.

Then a hand is on his shoulder, rubbing his back, and Bim says gently "I get it, Chase. C'mon, let's get down to baggage. Maybe we could celebrate a little, huh? Not every day you end up in a movie, Mr. Jackson." The last sentence is said with a hint of a smile, and Chase finally raises his head.

Bim is genuinely smiling, a soft kind thing, and to be honest some part of Chase has started calling Bim's voice _home_.

(The thought’s terrifying, but emotionally drained as he is he can panic later.)

"Nah, nah it ain't. Wanna get ice cream or somethin’?" Chase suggests, hating how his voice is wavering even as he tries to smile back.

"I got movies and dinner if you cover desert," Bim replies, and they're standing up as the last few people on the plane and grabbing their carry-ons and Chase breathes a little easier.

"Mr. Trimmer, rather bold aren't you? Chase says, teasing him in good spirit as they're heading down to baggage, before adding "I'd be happy to get the ice cream, man. We can hash it out once we pick up your car."

It's more or less a sleepover on Bim's couch, both of them wrapped up in quilts and eating their own half-pints of ice cream as they Netflix one shitty horror movie after another. 

Jake the black lab lays between them, head in Bim's lap on top of the quilt, and it was a nice way to decompress. Petting a dog, watching bad movies, and eating ice cream after some of the best noodles Chase has ever had.

And if Chase happens to hold Bim's hand even without the encouragement of the jump scares now and then, it's not like either of them will say anything.

*

Early 2018 has Chase appearing on Hire My Ass, more or less an attempt at reprising the kind of publicity they got with Matthias and Danny Sexbang as contestants.

This time it's another editing job, in the studio no less, as this Chandler guy quit a few days earlier.

(Something about a rivalry between him and the Gibson quadruplets, Bim hasn't been keeping up on gossip in Editing recently.)

This episode they have infamous Bro Average Chase Jackson, along with Egoraptor aka Arin Hanson, and lastly...some guy Bim doesn't remember the name of, Mark or Mac or- 

Matt!

That's it, Matt something.

Bim doesn't manipulate the results in any way, the most interference he did was getting the meat grinder challenge replaced with something less...graphic. Sure it was all special effects magic as Mr.Sexbang was fine and dandy in one piece, but with the idea Chase's kids might see this...

Well.

(He's been trying to change it for the last two years, replace it with something else, and with the most recent batch of feedback supported Bim's argument it was easy to get them to agree to an alternative. This is a game show, after all, with simply not enough games!)

And to be honest, the studio needs two new editors anyway, one for a new show coming up and one to replace the Chandler guy.

Arin and Matt lose to say the least, Chase just being the slightest more on the ball in terms of getting to the answer button, but Arin makes it close.

And having seen Matt's portfolio, well it only makes sense to have both him and Chase on board, even if Matt 'loses'. Arin was fine with the end result, because he'd been perfectly honest behind the scenes he mostly accepted cause Danny said it was fun to do.

It also wasn't bad publicity for Game Grumps, and it wasn't like Bim of all people would have him leave because of that.

Matt ends up working on HMA, with Chase getting moved to the horror show Bim's buddy Eric ended up submitting a pilot for.

It's a delightful horror host setup, with the mysterious entity of the Author acting as both narrator and antagonist as he manipulates the people he's writing about. A faceless entity who puts those he wrote about through hell, and Eric wouldn't spoil the ending no matter how many times Bim asked him to.

All Eric says is "Wait until the switchover, you're gonna hate me," and that's all Bim hears about it besides Chase mentioning some of the edits he's putting together in texts.

November of 2018 is also when the vampire movie comes out, and that's when Derek and Wilford come up to LA together to go see the premier with Bim and Chase in tow. There's something exciting about seeing yourself on screen, even if it's just glimpses in the background, and Chase ends up poking Bim whenever he finds them on screen.

It's easy cause of the green hair and rips in both their necks, he only two with rips that messed up, and they grin at each other in glee when they see a scene they remember filming.

It's fun to see the big fight scene, how the camera goes over all the vamps and hunters, and it almost seems to linger an extra second longer on Chase's threats and gestures.

(When Chase gets away, the camera catches the glance towards Bim's body on the ground, identifiable even as messed up as Derek made his chest look like some Alien shit. Bim's breath catches in his throat at that bit, and it's probably only ten seconds long but it feels...

It feels like the way someone looks at someone they care for, and it's been a long time since someone looked at Bim like that.)

They four of them go out to dinner afterwards, and Derek is glowing with pride as he talks about how good the makeup came out on film. Wilford thinks it was a great watch, fun as hell and deliciously gory in a 80s sort of way, not just gore for gore's sake. As a horror fan, Bim can see a few problems with it but hell if it wasn't fun to be a part of. Chase loved it rather unexpectedly, not much of a fan of vampire stuff, and not gonna lie he'd happily come back for a sequel.

Wilford and Chase get along after a few false starts, bonding over the love of sweets and dyeing their hair. Chase had dyed his dark green the day before, and Wilf's currently needs to be redone as his hair is mostly bleached blond with faded pink shot through it.

Bim catches up with Derek and Wilf after talk of the movie peters out, and with Chase there...it just feels like a missing piece slotted into a puzzle, it's easy to include him and banter back and forth.

It's a joy to hear Wilford and Chase talk back and forth, slinging jokes like they've been friends for years rather than acquainted within the past day, and with Derek joining in it's one great snarkfest.

(Bim has so many people he cares about around this table tonight, his heart swelling with the love he has for them, and he wishes this could last forever.)

*

2019 is... interesting.

Bim is coming up on his six year anniversary of his top surgery in July, he's spent the past almost fourteen years as a man, and he's turning 31 come August.

The sheer thought that it wasn't yesterday these things happened, it was years ago suddenly hits him, and he almost staggers at the kitchen counter.

It's eight in the morning, he just got back from taking Jake for a walk, and he feels like he can suddenly barely breathe. He sinks to his knees and buries his face into Jake's fur, petting him all the while, and tries not to lose his shit.

It's May 23rd 2019, he has no filming for HMA today, and he feels like he's going to fall to pieces on the kitchen floor.

(It's been a good couple of months since a moment so bad as this, a sudden weight in his bones like a concrete coating, feeling like he's drowning on dry land.)

It's Thursday so Chase would be at work editing, Derek is on set, but Wilford...

He does live shows in the evening, Wednesdays and Fridays, and maybe, maybe-

With a shaking hand, one still buried in Jake's fur, he reaches into his hoodie pocket and takes out his cellphone. It takes him five tries to unlock his phone, call Wilford's number and he almost sobs when he hears Wilford's voice.

"Hey Bim, kinda early for ya, ain't it? Ya workaholic you," Wilford says, voice softened by sleep and teasing.

"H-hey Gummy Bear, have a good show last night?" Bim asks, smiling even as tears start welling up without prompting, his voice cracking like it hasn’t since his second year of college.

"Aw, you didn't watch, darling? I'm absolutely crushed." Wilford drawls, and there's background sound of blankets rustling as he probably gets more comfortable.

"Sorry if I woke you up, I just-I watched. Wanted to hear from you." Bim says, and the pause as he waits for Wilford to reply makes him feel like his chest might cave in.

"...it was fine, Bim-bam. Not one of my best interviews, but not every one of them can have animatronics, Youtubers, or my boyfriend. Least the music was good," Wilford says quietly, and Bim can imagine him shrugging after the last sentence.

"Maybe when you come down again, you could come on the show. With you working on that improv show the next couple months, studio could call this a work trip. Promoting and all that jazz, Bim-bam." Wilford continues after Bim doesn't reply, having caught on to the problem.

"Hell, we could get Dark and Chase in on it, have it be a play by play when you dorks were doing that vamp thing. How's that sound, Bim?" Wilford finally asks, because fuck Bim's been quiet too long, who knows where his head was at the moment.

"...I-I'd really like that, yeah. Y'think you could swing it, Gummy Bear?" Bim says, finally finding his voice again after having to bury his face into Jake's fur as he tries to ground himself in _something_.

Wilford snorts, says "Who do you think I am? I'm a Warstache, and Warfstache don't take shit from nobody," and Wilf will consider it a victory as he gets a shaky laugh out of Bim.

"...Seriously Bim, I'm a lil worried right now. You're crying, and I like to know the dickbags who made my friends cry so I can punch them. Gimme something to work with here." Wilford says semi-jokingly, almost pleadingly, but he's a Warfstache and Warfstaches don't beg.

(Yes they do, but this was a moment where Wilford needed to be strong for his friend.)

Bim laughs, a sad wet sort of thing, and says in his cursedly wobbling voice "Think it's a tall order to fight my brain, bud."

There's an uneasy kind of silence, Bim shaking on the floor as he clutches to his dog and Wilford tangled in bed sheets with no words at hand, and it's horrible. Feeling helpless to help someone you care about and nothing to say, feeling helpless for reaching out and feeling unfixable

."...I dunno, you helped me beat the shit outta my brain things. Sure it-it took a while for it to stick, but-it's better than not trying, y'know?" Wilford replies so quiet Bim almost doesn't hear him, and there's more background rustling of blankets.

"A wise-ass once told me the worst thing you can do is not try," Wilford continues, his own voice wavering because this was gonna be one of those messy emotion days. "And hell if I'd leave a buddy in the lurch, Bim. Not after all we've been through." Wilford says, voice cracking as he runs a hand through bubblegum pink hair.

"...I might show up early this year, if that'd be okay." Bim finally says after another long silence, choked up a bit as he tries not to cry because Wilford is starting to cry and this is already a hard enough conversation to have.

Wilford laughs through his tears, says in a shaky voice "Fuckin' nerd, like we'd turn you away. We're a team, dummins. And even if it means dealing with shitty puns a few more days, I'll suffer gladly."

Bim also laughs, a bit stuttering as he fails in his self-imposed task to not cry, and replies a bit shakily "Thought you loved my puns, Gummy Bear."

"You're cute but not that cute, Bim-bam. Gotta lay the law down somewhere." Wilford sasses, and then the two of them are laughing.

It's the kind of laughter when things feel like they're falling apart, the only choice is either to scream or laugh, and it makes everything bearable if only for the time being.

And things aren't perfect, Bim feels a bit like a mess and Wilford feels worn out, but in the end things are gonna be okay.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

(Sometimes you have to live for that someday.)

*

In 2019, Chase is...

Well, Chase Jackson is doing alright.

He's been divorced for two years, he gets to have his kids stay with him for a coupla days every month, and he and Stacy are on speaking terms if only for the kids. Emma and Max are growing so quick, and Chase couldn't be a prouder dad to two better kids.

(Yeah they're troublemakers now and then, but he was like that as a kid himself and they have common sense he sure as heck didn't have at that age.)

Sometimes the guilt and worry still hits him, what if he isn't a good enough dad, what if the kids hate him for leaving, but he deals with it as best he can. Shows up to school events, Parent-Teacher nights, even collaborates with Stacy a few times to take the kids to the fair.

He still has his editing job at the studio working on 'The Author', and he's been working on more Bro Average videos so he posts about three times a week. Monday Wednesday Friday just like clockwork, always at noon. Sometimes his kids even show up in the videos, just for fun goofy stuff, and when he watches the footage back as he's editing it makes him feel happier than ever.

He's been asked to show back up again for the sequel to the vampire movie, a continuation nod cause he'll be a side character at best, but how nuts is that? He's gonna be a vampire again!

And...he’s trying to move on, and maybe even succeeding a little bit.

He's gone out with some women, a few dates and never really clicking, but most surprising even to himself...

He's tentatively gone out with a guy or two.

Like he's had brief moments in the past where he looked at a guy and felt something in his chest, but it was always brushed away. Wasn't a big deal, not something to make a production out of, he just kept on a-rolling with his life.

He had Stacy to love then, and so he’d never…never really thought too hard about those moments.

Wanted to wear their hat, or try that shirt, that’s how he’d explained it back then.

Now, Chase just wanted to be honest with himself. Work things out, and try to be the best version of himself he could be every day.

Part of being honest with himself was admitting he might have a bit of a crush on Bim, and what a kick to the chest that was when he realized it.

Bim was…

He was something else. The way his laugh was cute in a kinda goofy way, made Chase laugh and get butterflies in his stomach. How he had such heart, caring about others and trying to help them any way he could. Hell, he’d helped Chase when he was feeling lowest of the low and got him to smile.

(Not to mention how the realization hit him when they had been hanging out, happened to look over at Bim and was suddenly struck by how broad his shoulders were in the plain t-shirt.)

Then Bim helped Chase with Max and Emma on an impromptu day at the zoo for some friend’s birthday party cause Stacy had work, and, well.

That was when Chase knew, without a doubt, he was just a bit fucked in the crush department.

(He had stealthily snapped a photo of Bim and Emma walking hand in hand when he lagged behind carrying Max, and it was still his home screen. Just the happiness that had been on Emma’s face as she talked about tigers, the smile on Bim’s face as he listened.)

How was he supposed to approach this though? Just go up to Bim and say “Hey, buddy of mine, I have a giant fat crush of you, wanna smooch and get some coffee?”

This was different than approaching someone you met online first, different than flirting with someone at Starbucks after a few video game jokes. Plus he didn’t know if Bim would even be interested in guys, sure there’d been mentions of past relationships but it was always vague in that respect.

…Would it be bad to ask Derek or Wilford about all this?

Not Bim’s dating history or backstory or anything, Chase isn’t an asshole. That’s stuff he’ll let Bim share in his own time, just like Bim did for him when everything with Stacy started fracturing.

Just maybe some advice on how to approach it, Derek and Wilford had started out as friends and they were together even now.

(He was dealing with the bi part of things best as he could, mistakes and all. He just happened to look at pretty gals and handsome guys in equal measure, and if he happened to linger on the ones with short black hair, brown eyes, and glasses…

It’s not like he has to mention that specifically to whichever of the two he ends up asking)

He's in a park on May 26th, a nice Sunday morning with his kids, and that's when he sends the first text.

_'Hey Dark. Cool if I ask a question?'_

**_'Go for it, green bean.'_ **

Chase spends a few minutes trying to get the courage to write the next text, find the right words to say.

_‘Its about Bim, if it's okay'_

**_'...Yeah? Surprised you aren't asking him yourself whatever this is gonna be.'_ **

_'Its kinda personal on my end. Kinda...kinda want to be on the down low’_

**_'Hit me, Chase. Rip off the band-aid, and I’ll see what I can do.'_ **

_' Is he_

_I kinda_

_Motherfucker, I keep hitting the send button too early. Look, Bim and relationships. What's the dealio, my guy?'_

**_'...he's had a few. Not for long, but for personal reasons that if Bim hasn't told you yet then I won't.'_ **

_'Fair enough,I respect that._

_Has he..._

_Has he ever gone out with another guy before?'_

Chase is bouncing his leg up and down as he waits for the reply, watching his kids run around the playground and interact with other children to distract himself for a little while. It's calming in its own way, watching his kids play with others. Not often he can see this anymore.

**_'Yes. That a problem?'_ **

Chase can mentally hear how frosty Derek's voice would be in real life with that reply, and winces. He needs to work on phrasing shit better.

_'Nah, it just kinda...ties into my thing. Promise you won't tell him what I'm about to say. Not even Wilford.'_

**_'Does it involve lawbreaking, because it'd probably be better to get them in on this.'_ **

_'Nah, it doesn't'_

**_'Alright, pinky promise on my directors cut of Nightbreed I won't tell.'_ **

_'I might_

_Kinda_

_Have a crush on Bim._

_Please don't kill me'_

**_'Look, it's my right as brother stand-in to threaten you. Break his heart, I break you, etc. Guess what they say about birds of a feather is true tho.'_ **

_'How does that figure in?'_

**_'Bunch of gay guys being bros. Even if Wilf says he's pan, which idk I just know he likes me & that's a gift in itself.'_ **

_'Means he likes people's personalities, doof.'_

**_'I know, doesn't make it less true. So, crush on Bim?'_ **

_'Kinda. He's cute as fuck, and all I wanna do is cuddle like a motherfucker_

_Also maybe kiss his tattoo but shhh_

_This is a bro secret.'_

**_'If it makes you feel better, it took me over five years to ask Wilf out. And dude, same. Wilf gives the best cuddles, add Bim and it's a cuddle pile I'd gladly drown in.'_ **

_'Aw dude lemme get in on that. Need that platonic affection bro'_

**_'...Okay, you wanna try to pursue your crush? Cause maybe I have an idea.'_ **

_'Would it mean me getting comfort food in the event of shit going wrong?'_

**_'Yeah.'_ **

_'Okay then, lay it on me oh wise Dark lord'_

**_'Bim visits us every summer. Me and Wilf were thinking about offering it to you too, cause hey you're a buddy. I'd have to run it by Wilf, but it should be fine.'_ **

_'Oh dude, I'd love to come anyways for funsies! Just gotta check my days with the kids.'_

**_'That's cool. I'll call Wilf later & ask.'_ **

_'Thanks for being so cool about this, Derek.'_

**_'Ngl, I am a lil freaked about being wingman on this. It means a lot you picked me though.'_ **

_'It's a no-brainer, dude. Wilf is a bro, but you're a voice of reason, man.'_

**_'Thanks, Chase. Gotta get on set, talk to you later?'_ **

_'Talk to you later, Derek. Have fun, and send me photos! Wanna see what cool stuff you make this time.'_

And that's how it goes for Chase.

*

July of 2019 is when the ball starts rolling.

Bim goes to see Derek and Wilford the last week of June, and spend the first two weeks of July with them.

He’s showing up a week early this year, things feeling off-kilter and needing some extra time to get his head back in order. Sure it was a pain to swing, but some extra filming beforehand and he can get away with it. Why he invites Chase, he can't fully say. Derek and Wilf both say it's okay, they were inviting him anyway, and it's a relief to not be overstepping boundaries but-

Is this weird?

Asking your divorced crush to drive down to San Francisco with you, hang out for three weeks, and have your dog along. Hell, is it bad of Bim to say he might still have a bit of a crush?

(The way he lit up when interacted with his kids, how Chase looked the morning after a sleepover, how Chase's smile made Bim think of the sun coming out after the rain had passed. It’s difficult not to have some degree of love for him.)

The drive down is a few hours with Chase playing DJ for their adventure, and the eclectic mix is just straight up endearing jumping from pop to classic rock and even some electronic for good measure. Jake pokes his head over the middle console so he can get pets from Chase, and Bim thought his crush was dissipating but he's always been a sucker for guys and dogs.

The first night in San Francisco, all four of them crowd the couch with Jake at their feet and Pogo the cat hanging out on the back of the couch, and they watch the first two Alien movies. Derek and Wilford are curled up together, two peas in a pod sharing a blanket, and Chase...

At some point he slips to the floor to sit next to Jake, rest his head against Bim's leg, and it's so domestic it makes Bim's heart ache. On a gut instinct Bim runs his fingers through Chase's hair, and smiles softly as Chase's eyes drift shut.

There's been bigger and bigger deadlines for both of their shows, the tapings for the new improv one Bim is a part of, the editing for the second season of 'The Author' Chase was responsible for, and this is the first time in ages they can properly relax. Sure some work stuff still has to be taken care of even on vacation, but...

There would be moments like this. Small bubbles of quiet, and home.

(They fall asleep on the couch, and the morning after Bim wakes up to Wilford taking a photo of him and Chase. He claims it's adorable, refuses to delete it, and it's too early for Bim to argue so he just asks for a copy. When Chase sees it later he asks for one also, which...that's a surprise.)

*

Not every day is a day off on the trip, Wilford having to do Wednesday and Friday shows in the evening, Derek having to work on concepts for the next project, hell even Bim still has to submit some paperwork if he wants to transition from HMA to the improv show.

There’s still time carved out for them to do things, even if it's tourist things they've done every trip for all five years, because there's something nice in routine. Plus there's Chase to show around, so even better.

Wilford does include some new places on the roster, a café that makes amazing pastries according to him, an 'underground' arcade place where Chase fights Bim in Streetfighter and Wilford plays DDR and Derek gets his pinball fix. Hell they even go to the zoo, which is something that they haven't done in the last two years because it got kinda old after a while.

Derek even convinces them to go to a roller rink, and Bim falls a ridiculous amount of times because it's been years since he was on skates. Chase offers to give him a hand after 30 minutes of Bim waving them all off, far more skilled cause he takes his kids every couple of weeks to a rink for fun, and Bim ends up holding his hand an unexpectedly long amount of time.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but his heart beats faster and his nerves don't help his coordination, and when he drags Chase down into a heap of tangled limbs after twenty minutes of trying to improve...

He hopes his blush isn't visible in the dim light as Chase laughs, says "This ain't the worse spill I've ever had," as people skate around them.

Then Chase says "Before we get up, lemme check you over," runs a hand through Bim's hair and god damnit. His face is gonna be pinker than Wilford's hair when they get back to the well-lit areas.

"Seems alright, no bumps or bruises. Y'wanna take a break for a bit, get some pizza?" Chase offers as they get up, Chase first then offering Bim an arm to grab for leverage.

“Uh, yeah, that's a-a good idea. If I'm honest, my legs are, uh, kinda shaky right now." Bim admits, unable to look at Chase as he finds that they're arm in arm now, both of them on their own two feet.

Somehow, this feels... _different_ than the other times they've linked arms, generally for support or comfort. Something about the dim lighting only interrupted by bits of neon, how Chase's hand felt in his hair, the warmth in Chase's gaze and the way his eyes crinkled around the corners as he checked Bim's head.

It feels intimate, how close their bodies were on the floor and how they're practically leaning into each other now as they head for the carpet, combined with Chase's past actions.

(He has a fleeting thought of kissing Chase right then and there, against the small wall acting as a barrier between smooth rink and carpet walkway. Just a small chaste thing, a brief brush of his fingers along Chance's jaw.

He doesn't.)

They take off their skates side by side on one of the benches, Chase bumping their shoulders together playfully and Bim laughing because Chase is such a goober as Bim bumps back. Makes him think back to a similar moment at a rink back in Arizona with his mom and her friend when he was in high school, the year he read Doom Patrol and tried to keep his head above water as things soured.

This is already ten times better, even with the fall.

There's still an underlying _something_ though as they walk to the concession stand and order pizza, sit down in a booth side by side.

Wilford pauses at the wall near the booths to wave Bim over, says "I saw your fall. You alright?"

He gives Bim a brief once-over for the usual injuries as he speaks, used to being the one to help out when certain dicks can’t take care of themselves properly.

Bim shrugs with a self-deprecating grin in an attempt to smooth over any ruffled feathers, replies "Eh, could be better, but least I got Chase t'keep an eye on me."

Wilford raises an eyebrow at that, a small smirk as he says "Oh yeah, Chase is definitely keeping an eye on you, Bim-bam." He makes a discrete gesture in Chase's direction, and when Bim looks over his shoulder Chase quickly looks down at his phone avoiding his gaze.

"I-I might have a concussion or something Wilf, can't blame him for making sure I'm not stumbling around." Bim says, his past blush returning with a vengeance as he tries to ignore Wilford's growing grin. No, no, he’s already gotten too close to that line of thinking tonight. Can’t play fuck-fuck games, this is a friends night and he’s not gonna break now.

"Keep telling yourself that, Bim. Me and Dark are gonna do some of the game stuff in the rink, save a few slices for us." Wilford says with a wink, patting Bin on the arm before skating off.

What a dick, leaving him in distress.

Bim watches Wilford leave, and tries to compose himself before going back to the booth where Chase is. He feels like a flustered mess at the moment, needs to breathe for a couple moments as he grounds himself in the cold of the brick against his fingers, runs a shaking hand through his hair pushing loose strands out of his face.

Tries to steel his nerves as he gives himself a bastardization of a pep talk and stern talking to.

_Chase is-_

_Chase is your buddy, who's cute as fuck and DIVORCED YOU DUMBASS and yeah sure he's being touchy feely but he's been like that for a while now and look_

_It’s almost the end of the trip if shit goes wrong you're trapped in a car together for like 8 hours and you stop talking when all's said and done and fuck that'd be worse than already having a crush and never saying anything WHICH YOU'RE ALREADY WORKING WITH_

_just enjoy the rest of the vacation, and be happy that you have time with your friends even if your crush just grew ten times tonight and_

_OH GOD SOMEONE'S TOUCHING MY SHOULDER-_

Bim freezes, hand partway through yet another run through his hair, and when he looks to his side its Chase.

Chase with an easy smile and the soft gaze and a warm hand on his shoulder who asks him "Y'looked a bit outta sorts after Wilf left, y'okay?"

All the tension leaks from Bim's shoulders, Chase's smile doing something to him as he swears his heart flips, and as his hand falls to his side he says "Y-Yeah, just a- a lot on my mind right now. Need some food in me."

"Okay, the guy said the pizza should be ready any minute. An' if you wanna talk, I'm all ears, Bim." Chase says, bumping their foreheads together with an arm around Bim's shoulder, and Bim would happily melt then and there if he could, stay in the sunlight of Chase's attention as long as Chase would have him.

(He remembers promising Matthias anything in the world, but for Chase… he’d do what he could if it meant seeing him smile.)

"Thanks, Chase. Maybe...maybe another night, though." Bim replies softly, grinning a bit as Chase lets out a small huff of a laugh. _Friends, just friends,_ sings the mantra in his head, while another part of him feels happy for getting Chase to laugh.

"Alright, Bim. Let's go get our chow on, nerd." Chase says, and again there's that tenderness in his gaze that feels so different than any other time before. Something that makes Bim's heart flutter, butterflies in his stomach, and it's ridiculous because all Chase said was something he's probably said before.

(But he'd kiss Chase then and there, catch Chase's hand as he turns away to head back to the table. And he doesn't.)

They sit side by side, Chase slipping a hand into his, and it feels so natural and easy that Bim doesn't question it.

It's normal, right, to hold hands with a friend?

They talk about general stuff, the excitement of the trip and work stuff, how Wilford wants them to be on his show on July 12th before they leave on the 13th, and it's comfortable.

It's like every other time they've hung out together, even with the underlying whatever in the air. They eat pizza, have fun at the video games, and...

It's nice, really nice. Chase leaning on his shoulder, holding his hand, Derek and Wilford in the seat across from them as they talk shit back and forth.

Bim can't stop smiling half the night.

*

July 11th is the 6th anniversary of Bim's top surgery, and the day they all go to the beach.

(They'd been at the roller rink the night before, and the _something_ still nestled in Bim's chest.)

It's different than the first anniversary which Bim spent by himself, more for comfort than anything else. He'd wandered around LA, gone to a 50s diner place for a burger and milkshake, went to a movie.

Bought a new dress shirt, a waistcoat that fit comfortably snug on his frame.

Six years on his scars are thin lines that most people probably wouldn't even make note of as he ditches his t-shirt at the beach, laughing as he tosses it at Wilf who's sitting this one out.

Last time they were at the beach a few days ago, just walking, he'd burned like a lobster and was still pink.

Wilford flips him off, which just makes Bim laugh even more as he says "Love you too, Gummy Bear."

It's just Bim, Derek, and Chase running into the water, Derek lingering to give Wilford a quick kiss.

Bim catches Chase's eye, about to make a joke at how lovey-dovey they are, when the words just fall out of his head because-

Chase's eyes are bright blue today, the blue of the ocean, and Chase is smiling bright as the sun. He's like the embodiment of a summer day in green Hawaiian print shorts, and Bim wonders absentmindedly if kissing Chase would be as warm as a summer day.

"Damn, seems like half the beach is already in the water. Wanna get going?" Chase asks,smiling that beautiful smile that caught his heart ages back.

 "Yeah, c'mon nerd. S'nice lookin' day, be a shame to waste it," Bim says, and goes out on a limb to lace their fingers together. Chase's smiles turns softer in that moment, and he squeezes their joined hands lightly.

Then Chase takes off like a running shot, Bim's hand still grasped in his tightly, and Bim's laughing heartily as he tries to keep pace.

They horse around for a while in the water, splashing each other and trying to tackle each other under.

And then there's a moment, where Chase has tackled Bim successfully and they're both partially in the water when time seems to slow.

Chase grinning, laughing as he goes to run a hand through Bim's hair.

Bim sitting up, a hand on Chase's left hip as he also laughs.

 _And to hell with it_ , Chase thinks, threading fingers into Bim's hair and kissing him.

It's at the corner of Bim's mouth, and if worst comes to worst he can claim he'd been aiming for the cheek, but then Bim turns his head enough to give Chase a peck on the lips and-

Well, maybe there's just something to this back and forth between them.

"I like you, have for a while now," Chase admits, unable to help his smiling as Bim touches their foreheads together.

 "Huh, funny that, cause I just happen to like you too," Bim replies, and maybe Bim's been crushing longer but that can be discussed later.

A lot needs to be discussed later.

But right now they can hold each other's hand, goof around in the water, and share the occasional small kiss.

And for the record, Bim feels kissing Chase is indeed like kissing the embodiment of summer. The warmth, the energy, the love of a good summer day. Even if it's just small ones.

*

Later that day at dinner, Derek comes clean about helping Chase out.

Wilford and Bim both ham it up soon after, Wilford gasping dramatically and clutching at his shirt as he cries out “My beloved, helping another man!”

Bim throws his hand up to his forehead in an affected gesture of helplessness, says “Woe betide me, fate has set me up!”

“Y’all a bunch of dorks.” Derek replies, pressing a kiss to the side of Wilford’s head and an arm around the other’s shoulders.

Chase just laughs and offers Derek a fistbump over the tabletop, bumps Bim’s shoulder with his own playfully.

It… it feels something like a family, lighthearted and conversation flowing easily, and none of them would trade it for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...And then Chase and Bim are adults who have a conversation about comfort levels and consent before having an official relationship. I did write some of it, but it didn't quite fit the ending. There was cuddling involved, and Chase sticking his foot in his mouth.
> 
> Also, I have lots of headcanon stuff I didn't include, so if anyone's interested I could post those notes as a separate chapter.


	2. Your Two-Step Makes My Chest Pound (Just Lay Me Down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Bim learned to dance, and why Strictly Ballroom has a warm place in his heart.  
> Chapter title is from I Don't Feel Like Dancing by the Scissor Sisters

Bim learned how to dance from two places: his grandmother, and in college.

His gram had been a ballroom dancer for a while, made her own costumes and entered a local competition or two. That'd been before his mom though, before the divorce. 

He'd been young, probably about entering 5th grade and daydreaming of suits, when he asked her to teach him. She made it clear though it was just the basics, what she could recall after over 20 years, and it wouldn't be anything flashy like Strictly Ballroom.

So he learned a few steps of foxtrot, a super exaggerated tango that made his aunt laugh a few years later at her wedding, and his waltz wasn't half bad looking back on it. That first attempt at Cha Cha though...no one brings it up, it was just weird. 

A lot of the time his gram fills in for the female parts to show him what to do, how he’d have to hold himself with a partner. She taught him the male parts so he could be passable for help in her demonstrations, and from the age of 10 to 12 this is what a weekend every month looked like.  
Learning how to dance in his gram's backroom, moving around all the junk so there's a nice patch of concrete to work with.

He tried to keep up with it, practicing by himself, but gave up after a few months of dancing with stuffed animals. They moved to the suburbs when he was in middle school, started seeing his gram less and less, and no way in hell they had a dance program at the school. It was outside help or nothing, so Bim...set it aside on the backburner. 

It was something he wanted to learn but it wasn't necessary, not like school was.  
It could be on his wish list, but that was a whole different thing.

The he comes out in freshman year of college, and summer of sophmore year...

He needs an elective, already has scholarships and federal aid to cover most of the costs for school and a part time job to supplement his own savings to cover for rent. He's free to pick whatever he wants.

No one to report back to on grades, no one to talk classes with besides his roommates and a friend or two.  
He picks the dance class on swing.

(He needs to exercise in general, get into shape on hormones, and hey why not have a little fun somewhere besides the treadmill?)

It's difficult physically with the lifts and jumps, but energy-wise he adores it.  
Most of the time it's fast paced, his partner in class matching him almost step for step every time, and it's just pure fun.

A few Saturdays here and there, he even gets Wilford and Derek to help him practice. Most of the time it's whoever's free, and Bim's music library starts to fill up with swing stuff even in the downtime. It's not just horror movies they all share now, he'll talk music with Wilford and steps with Derek, and it's-

It's good, doing something for himself that he can still share with others.

The second semester of sophomore year, he goes with foxtrot so he can learn it properly. He wants more than half- remembered steps, and he's gonna rock it.

(He think of his younger self, daydreaming about dancing with someone someday in a swish of skirts, and wants to smile. Not quite, he thinks, but a suit won't be half bad.)

Whenever he can get away with an elective not relating to his major or minor, he goes for dance or art. If he has two a semester, it's Art History and a dance.  
Only one, he's gonna pick what he loves.

One of his reoccurring daydreams was dancing with a romantic partner someday, and he was going to get to have that.

Sure it might be a while, but he has the tools to work with now.

(Years later at Wilf and Derek's wedding, he dances a waltz with Chase and it's one of the best moments in his life. One of his dreams has come true, and it was a long road but here he is.

Happy.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an aside I wrote after the main bulk of the previous chapter, because of a daydream I had a few months back when I was starting to question stuff and the wires of dancing and suits got crossed.
> 
> Someday...


End file.
